Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
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Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.