Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
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My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Print is alive and well!!!
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
🤣🤣🤣
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler