“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
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I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.