Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
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I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Did I do this right
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
smh
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?