“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
You Might Also Like
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
my lower back watching me try to live my life
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
When you kidnap a writer.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.