[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
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Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
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[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think