Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
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Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
wtf is an acronym
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
This is my cat’s medicine.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.