*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
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“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
This is a whole mood;
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.