*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
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If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
A collection of me turning into random objects.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…