Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
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That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Flock of bats
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.