If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
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For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
If you had more money you’d be happier.
What a chick magnet..
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets