Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂