If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
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*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.