this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
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*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
want me to check your oil?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late