Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
tourist season
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.