[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
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Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
gentlemen, hear me out