My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
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:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok