a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
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Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
just leave it at the foot of the bed
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.