I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
a public service announcement
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Trumpy Cat
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money