Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
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There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Good boy 😂😂
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse