-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
You Might Also Like
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.