I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
You Might Also Like
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good