I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
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me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
CRYING
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff