boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
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“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it