I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
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People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
this FaceApp is creepy af
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.