Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
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Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I can’t stop laughing at this
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.