Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
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hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.