Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
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Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Yes, this is exactly right
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
*pronounces woah like Noah*
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.