If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
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get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
🤣🤣🤣
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]