All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
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I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
oh my gosh!!
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls