if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
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[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
*seductively corrects your posture*
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???