Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.