It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
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My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
#catsoftwitter
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.