Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
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The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Coffee for people with no kids
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.