Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
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Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel