Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
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My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???