MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
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I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.