You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”