I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
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How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist: