Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
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Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
wut hotdog?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.