Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
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Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Go girl power!
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”