Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
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Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll