What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
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Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose