Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
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Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
what are they serving at kfc then???
Venn
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other