Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
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“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”