an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
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That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.