wow he looks just like him
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waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength