Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
You Might Also Like
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
That’s enough internet for the day
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS