if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
yall want some gasoline milk
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops