remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
You Might Also Like
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away